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Day 6- CARDIO X


Cardio X is similar to Core Sinergistics, but without the weights. So pretty much Tony decided to take some of his Yoga, and fuse it with yesterday’s work out-  which means Tony didn’t have to come up with anything new. Which is why Cardio X is now being called Cheating X. WTF? Doesn’t Tony know how much I rely on his creative work outs- not that I could get through any of it- but hell, I need to fucking hate him for something cause his muscles are so damn perfect.

Speaking of cheating, I cheated last night after my super Sunday marathon and ate a hotdog with everything on it. I stopped after the third one, cause I felt guilty.  My bring it had turned into “brought It”.  I need to really bring it. I mean really, like fucking bring it, which is why after my hour “cheater” work out that Tony prepared for me, I plan on eating real well.  Today I ate:

1 slice whole wheat toast

2 eggs with 1 egg white

1 soy sausage that is nothing like real sausage, those cheater fuckers.

An energy vegetable juice drink that tasted like dirty water.

It is only 2:00 in the afternoon, dinner is still ahead.

The plan is homemade chinese chicken stir fry- but anything can happen after 7:00.  FUCK MY LIFE.

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DAY 5: FUCKING SUNDAY


Yep today is my “second” week doing P90X.  I mean last week blew real bad, and I only got 3 days of hard core (light core) exercise in, but I’m okay with discovering my inner hero by practicing mediocrity first before hitting my peak.

Today is Sunday, we already know how I feel about this fucking day and the need to wake up and how I hate that and all.  But I did. That in it of itself is a fucking win.

Today’s work out was called Core Synergistics.  Basically it’s a 45 minute cardio insane work out where your core muscles are engaged the whole time.  In the middle I think I pulled a Inguinal ligament- you know the one, that muscle that is attached from your back to your crotch. Well now my crotch is on FIRE.  Fuck this.  I gave myself a gift by eating a carrot with hummus. That is a vegetable with some sorta middle eastern spread that tastes like ass. Today is Sunday. I used to like Sundays.

Even my fucking mutt won't eat hummus. Lucky little bitch, she don't have to.

Saturday: DAY 4


This was me, but more girly and WITHOUT the pizza. Hey I'm on a diet remember?

And God said let there be rest, and so I fucking sat on my chocolate stained sofa and rested. I mean I took this day very seriously and made a point to only move my body to eat and piss.  If you take Catatonic, combine it with death and slumber, you would have had me on Day 4. I fucking rock at rest days!!

Oat Muffins that Look like shit


I can’t fucking bake. You saw the Jello mold. Pathetic. Yet, I try. Like most things I can’t get right, I still try. I believe my kid is watching everything I do, and although I can’t fucking do much, I want little Johnny to see me trying. All you got is your effort, you ain’t got that, you ain’t got nothin. These are oat muffins, healthy shit I tried baking today. They look like little mounds of poo. I am proud of the effort, not so proud of the result, but fuck, I tried, right? They taste nasty, I don’t give a shit, I plan on eating all of them if it fucking kills me (not in the same sitting, though, I’m on a diet, remember?)  I can’t show Johnny his mother’s a quitter.  I made 2 dozen, FML.

DAY 3- Must be Jelly ’cause Jam don’t shake like that


I am still getting the hang of this thing, turns out I did the ab rippers yesterday instead of today, but it’s fine cause it just means I got a small repreive after I lifted 3-5 pound weights for an entire fucking hour.  Because I’m used to lifting heavy pots and pans during dinner time, which are stuffed with pasta, cream sauce, and American home made chilly, my abs are ripped underneath all the jellyfat that I have accumulated over the years.

Oh ya, I got muscle, you can see it when I squeeze my arms really hard. Okay you can’t see them, but you can feel them.  ( I can feel them. a little.)

I am looking forward to sculpted biceps and smoldering shoulders that I plan on rocking out in my hubby’s wifebeater , which reads “I went to the gym and all I got was this fucking T-shirt” at the local pub. Well I didn’t go to no gym, and I am on day 3 so bite me!

Tomorrow I plan on taking a rest- because I only managed to work out Sunday, Monday and today because my kid was sick, I needed to make a jello mold for my mother-in-law’s Christmas party and didn’t have any time. These are the excuses I have managed to wedge into my work out.

Next week I plan on pulling a six day week of P90x, no more excuses, I will BRING IT- Jello mold duties or not.

P.S. The jello mold above is what I hoped mine would look like. The one below is more like the one I made, I put catfood on top of it, so that I wouldn’t be tempted to eat it. Sally my mother- in- law didn’t even notice and said the “granola” was a nice touch- 

DAY 2: Plyometrics VS Lean- WTF?


  So it turns out the plyometrics version of P90X are for people who are Marines or    Spartans, of which I am neither. Clearly I didn’t read the directions. That’s what happens when a work out program on TV comes with a fifty page handbook- fucking confusing.

I’m a chubby chick who wears an imaginary cape that I tuck into my underpants, hoping the superhero inside me will emerge. I’m no Thor, just an ordinary chub who needs a program to help maintain a sleeker hotter version of myself.  WHICH IS WHY I’ve decided to follow the P90X LEAN VERSION. It’s a lot more attainable.  DO NOT try the plyometrics version if you have lived on burgers, fries, and Snickers for an un-Godly amount of time- (as I have).

LEAN VERSION: More attainable, still hard enough to make me say fuck in between lifts, jumps, and Tony screaming to “Bring It.”

DAY 2:  Today was CARDIO X- What is this? It is forty five minutes of fucking hard jumping jacks, punches, kicks and a series of killer sweaty moves that I spent a good portion watching on the sofa as I breathed through a paper bag.  45 minutes my ass!  More like 15.  I ended the day with Tony’s 15 minute ab X workout.  Fucking hard.  My abs feel like they’ve been punched, removed from my body stretched, pummeled and tortured.  The good news? I”m so sore, I’m in no shape to make my way to the fridge for that chocolate milk beggin for me.

Thunderwoman has made it 2 days. We’re not celebrating with banners yet.  Oh wait, Is that an ab pack I see forming? Na, my ripple just got stuck under the elastic of my spandex pants…fucking tease.

Day 3 is tomorrow, Bring IT!

Tip of the day


Okay guys and girls, the tip of the day here is, “Don’t Smash Your Face”- this was said by some guy on Facebook. I liked it. I smashed my face several times today during the work out. I look like Cher after her fourteenth surgery.